Marriage…It isn’t a Tesla!

Why not take the idea of marriage on a “test drive?” Give it a “trial run” before signing on the dotted line. It makes perfect sense, right? Cohabitation before marriage, for the purpose of just making sure all is a “go”, is something our culture has embraced and it has become a very natural means of making preparations before that big wedding day ahead. Sometimes, a “living together” arrangement happens before there is even a ring on her finger. More times than not, a date has not been set … only a promise of, “someday.” But … that “someday” will come, surely, and all will be well … right?

I remember the idea of marriage being something that interested me, even in high school. I liked the idea of a long-term commitment with the same gal that I loved. I was head-over-heels in love with my wife … then, my high-school sweetheart. Call me a little weird, and admitting this might put a kink in my man-card, but I used to take the Service Merchandise catalog (that was a store a long time ago where you could order stuff wholesale—think Costco) to school and look through it on my lunch hour during my senior year, picking out furniture, bedding (especially the bedding), rings (yes, they sold engagement rings … but I didn’t get hers there), and other household items like blenders, outdoor gardening tools, lawn mowers and silverware. I would eat my lunch in the library with some friends of mine who were of the female persuasion. They thought it was the most romantic thing, that I would bring in this catalog and pick out all of the “things” my future spouse and I would need to fill our “someday” home. From shovels to glassware, power drills to lawn chairs, I was adding up the costs … preparing for the future.

All the girls thought it was sweet. With all that attention, I felt like “Fonzie” at Jefferson High School.

I couldn’t wait to get married. My mom and dad made it look fun too. I told them that when I was young, and they said that was the greatest compliment I ever gave them. They are still together today after 62 years. They still make it look fun. They have been a great role model of marriage. Thanks mom and dad!

It would be another three years before Pam and I got married after our junior year in college. We had a long courtship … two years in high school and three years in college. When it came time to get our apartment … our little oasis on the river … I moved in about a month before we tied the knot. We bought the furniture … a sofa, a loveseat (because we needed that), and two unfinished end tables that I stained to look nice. My mom and dad helped us get a piano, we used my wife’s bedroom outfit, and my mom and dad let us have their kitchen table and chairs. We had our own little place a few days before we got married … our palace of love … equipped with fireplace and in-ground swimming pool! How tempting it would have been for her to quietly move in with just 30 days left before the wedding and counting … but we didn’t move her in. For one thing, her parents would have killed me … and secondly, but really primarily, we had made the decision to wait until we got married to “live together,” because we felt that it was what God desired us to do. That mattered to us.

The choice was never easy, but we have had a wonderful marriage going on 37 years and I have never been more in love with her than I am now.

The one really cool thing was that I had a bachelor pad for a month. But, I digress.

We didn’t take marriage on a “test drive.” We didn’t take it “for a spin,” “kick the tires,” or make sure the warranty was any good. We were both naïve going into the whole institution—like, not knowing that we look different getting up in the morning, or that she needed her time alone, and that I needed to over compliment her cooking, even if it wasn’t like my mom used to make it.

And, we wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Why is it that we think we have to have everything figured out about each other before we get married? There is a mystery about getting to know someone you love on such a deeper level that it takes a lifetime to really do it.

Today, over 50% of all couples are cohabitating, which is a 72% increase in the number of cohabiting couples since 1990. To say this is a popular idea in this generation is an understatement. Get this … the number of cohabiting couples has increased with believers as well as non-believers in Jesus. If the goal, though, is to live together in order to prepare someday for a stable relationship, it is more likely that cohabiting will sabotage that potentiality rather than being a good stepping-stone toward it. In fact, research indicates that living together increases your risk for divorce if the couple becomes married.

That is what the science says … here is what the scriptures say:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” –Jesus

Mark 10:7,8

Primarily, the reason cohabiting is not a good idea is because it deals with the intimacy of relationship, the sexual relationship as well as the trust relationship. Biblical marriage is defined as a committed and trustworthy relationship between one man and one woman. We see here in scripture that marriage is more than just a friendly partnership or an investment in a new car. It is a spiritual as well as physical union between a man and a woman becoming one flesh—the committed setting of marriage being that place God designed for the expression of sex.

Our friend, the Apostle Paul, illuminates this by indicating that sex outside of marriage can be very destructive in a relationship (1 Corinthians 6:15-18). While living together sounds like a good idea financially and for convenience of the relationship, and even a for a chance to make sure it all goes well before you tie the knot, it does not reflect the commitment that God instituted and ordained. It is not God’s best for you!

I know this is not a popular concept. In fact, in talking with students at a Christian college, the subject came up as if Christianity should change in order to get with the times on this cohabitation and pre-marital sex thing. Obviously, it’s not that living under the same roof is the problem—it’s the sexual relationship before marriage that ultimately goes with “living together” that becomes the problem … and I’m sorry, but the morality that Christianity teaches doesn’t change, nor would you want it to.

If couples are trying to align their lives to the teachings of Jesus, and want a “marriage made in heaven,” then living together should not be an option. If you are trying to live out your engagement with each other under the guidelines of the Bible, then taking marriage on a “test flight,” again, is not God’s best for you.

Make the commitment … enjoy figuring it out together God’s way … and live happily ever after.